It's Oliver Wendell Holmes Sr.'s birthday today. Not that he's celebrating much, as he died in 1894. But as I was reading about him at The Writer's Almanac website, I was struck by a quote from him: "Love is the master-key that opens the gates of happiness, of hatred, of jealousy, and, most easily of all, the gate of fear. How terrible is the one fact of beauty!"
As I read this, I realized how true it is. At least for me. So much of my debilitating unhappiness the last several weeks has had love at its root. My attachment to my own mis-perceptions about love and its place in my life has caused me to doubt myself and others around me and left me open to too much jealousy and fear.
I've changed my understanding and things are better. It wasn't until I read Holmes' words that I really understood why.
Wednesday, August 29, 2012
Monday, August 27, 2012
Day Seventy-Nine
It's been about a month and a half since I last posted something. The truth, briefly, is that I've been having a bout of depression and as a result, it's been very difficult to think of anything to post. I fell out of my meditation practice. Funny how the thing that would probably have helped me the most to deal with the feelings was the last thing I wanted to do. As a result, I let myself be overwhelmed by sadness and the delusions that go with it.
But, a couple of things have turned around for me and I think I'm back on a path to being happy and healed. Everything is looking brighter.
I'll try to remember to post something more positive tomorrow.
But, a couple of things have turned around for me and I think I'm back on a path to being happy and healed. Everything is looking brighter.
I'll try to remember to post something more positive tomorrow.
Wednesday, July 18, 2012
Day Thirty-Nine
Drinking: Nothing just now. Too early in the day
Eating: Curried rice and vegetables
Reading: House of Holes by Nicholson Baker (and I'm atill REALLY liking it)
Well, it has been a very full few days since I last sat down to write. Mostly good, some not so good.
The heat continues to be just terrible here in St. Louis. We're back in the triple digits, but unlike the first week of July when it was relatively dry, this time around we have both the heat and our region's usual humidity. So it's not only hot, it's moist. Yuck! I'm dealing with it, but not, I'm afraid, very well. Because it is so hot outside, I am spending more time inside and inactive. Even though I spend most of my time in the air conditioning, living in this kind of heat and humidity wears me out. That seems to be keeping me on the edge of being depressed and I just don't seem to have the energy to get over it. Of course, this is temporary. It will get cooler and we will get rain sooner or later. I just need to keep that in mind and I'll be fine.
I've actually been in a pretty good mood for most of the last few days in spite of the heat. I'm attributing this to keeping a positive attitude, as much as possible, and a couple of events that happened over the weekend.
Friday evening Jane and I went to a wine bar to meet some friends and celebrate another friend's getting a new job. It was fun and we both liked the place a lot. I'm sure we'll go back there. They have a good selection of wines and beers, the prices are reasonable and the smoked salmon appetizer was some of the best I've ever had. When I dropped Jane off at her house, I went in for a last beer of the evening. We talked and I brought up some doubts about our relationship and where it is right now. These are all, I realized as we talked, due to my insecurities and issues with past relationships. It was a pretty heartfelt conversation and some tears were shed, but at the end of it I felt we were both stronger in our committment to each other. I certainly was anyway. Jane reinforced for me that she loves me and is trying to work through some of the blocks that she puts up in her relationships. I did the same for her. I really do think this is going to continue to grow as a mutually adult, loving, and mindful relationship. I am very happy and grateful about that.
Saturday morning, I participated in a personal "virtual" retreat for peace in honor of Pema Chodron's birthday. It consisted of a three hour (I had intended it to be four hours, but life gets in the way) sitting meditation and it was wonderful. I set it up to do twenty minutes of sitting meditation followed by ten minutes of reading Buddhist texts, stretching, or walking meditation, followed by twenty minutes of sitting meditation, and so on for three hours. At the end of it I was so happy, clear, and relaxed that I was practically floating. I walked over to a local Vietnamese restaurant and had a bowl of vermicelli noodles with egg rolls, vegetables, and lemon sauce for lunch. It was delicious!
The result of that morning filled with peace, relaxation, mindfulness, and good food was that I had a feeling of wellness and no anxiety all day. And I was even more confident that things are going to be fine with Jane. That, in fact, because I can get to a place where I'm not attached to the feelings or the relationship, that non-attachment will allow the relationship to blossom and grow and benefit both of us in exactly the way it is supposed to.
Saturday afternoon, I went to an anniversary party for some friends. There was very good food that they'd cooked from their own garden and what they had picked up at the Farmer's Market that morning. Many of the people there were musicians, and I'd brought my fiddle and ukulele along. So, it didn't take much prodding to get the bunch of us to sit down and play tunes. The crowd was about half old-time music folks and half Irish music folks, so there was a good variety in what got played over the next several hours.
Later that evening, I met Jane at our favorite pub for drinks after she got off work at The Royal Dumpe. Jane has been one of the serving wenches there for 16 years or so. It's hard work, but she enjoys it and the money is good. We were both tired after a long day, but in good spirits and had a good time. I always like to hear about nights at the Dumpe. The stories she tells about the clientelle and the other wenches and players are usually about as entertaining and sometomes surprising as can be. Sometimes the way that people act in public is astonishing.
Sunday was mostly uneventful. I spent the morning doing my usual Sunday activities; laundry, house cleaning, marketing, that sort of thing. I made a big pot of curried vegetables and brown rice that I'll be eating for lunch all week. Jane called to invite me to O'Connell's for lunch with her, her sister-in-law, Karen and Karen's boyfriend. That was nice. Karen and Jerry are fun to be around. After that, it was back home to loaf around and watch a movie - 13 Assassins, an excellent samurai movie that reminded me of Akira Kurosawa's films. This may have been a little more simplistic philosophically and more violent than Kurosawa's stuff, but it was enjoyable, all the same.
Then, just as I was about to go to bed, there's a knock at the door and who should be standing on my porch but Ian, Jane's roommate's ten-year-old. I could not imagine what he was doing there at that time of night and by himself, but I opened the door prepared for anything. Surprise! Jane was standing off to the side of the porch where I couldn't see her and jumped to startle me. They had been in the neighborhood on a pet sitting visit and decided to come by and see if I was still up. They stayed for about 45 minutes and we had a laugh watching a Batman cartoon on DVD.
Monday evening I taught my last dulcimer class of the session at The Folk School and stopped by my daughter's apartment to spend a couple of hours with her, her husband, and my granddaughter, Callie. Callie is just the cutest, smartest, most active little squirt. I am always recharged and joyous when I spend time with her. She's learning new things every day and delights in showing them off. She also has the best sense of humor and loves playing tricks on us. For now, snce she's not yet a year old, the tricks are pretty simple and easy to see through. I shudder to think what she'll get up to by the time she's nine or ten.
That's about it for this installment. It may be more than enough.
Eating: Curried rice and vegetables
Reading: House of Holes by Nicholson Baker (and I'm atill REALLY liking it)
Well, it has been a very full few days since I last sat down to write. Mostly good, some not so good.
The heat continues to be just terrible here in St. Louis. We're back in the triple digits, but unlike the first week of July when it was relatively dry, this time around we have both the heat and our region's usual humidity. So it's not only hot, it's moist. Yuck! I'm dealing with it, but not, I'm afraid, very well. Because it is so hot outside, I am spending more time inside and inactive. Even though I spend most of my time in the air conditioning, living in this kind of heat and humidity wears me out. That seems to be keeping me on the edge of being depressed and I just don't seem to have the energy to get over it. Of course, this is temporary. It will get cooler and we will get rain sooner or later. I just need to keep that in mind and I'll be fine.
I've actually been in a pretty good mood for most of the last few days in spite of the heat. I'm attributing this to keeping a positive attitude, as much as possible, and a couple of events that happened over the weekend.
Friday evening Jane and I went to a wine bar to meet some friends and celebrate another friend's getting a new job. It was fun and we both liked the place a lot. I'm sure we'll go back there. They have a good selection of wines and beers, the prices are reasonable and the smoked salmon appetizer was some of the best I've ever had. When I dropped Jane off at her house, I went in for a last beer of the evening. We talked and I brought up some doubts about our relationship and where it is right now. These are all, I realized as we talked, due to my insecurities and issues with past relationships. It was a pretty heartfelt conversation and some tears were shed, but at the end of it I felt we were both stronger in our committment to each other. I certainly was anyway. Jane reinforced for me that she loves me and is trying to work through some of the blocks that she puts up in her relationships. I did the same for her. I really do think this is going to continue to grow as a mutually adult, loving, and mindful relationship. I am very happy and grateful about that.
Saturday morning, I participated in a personal "virtual" retreat for peace in honor of Pema Chodron's birthday. It consisted of a three hour (I had intended it to be four hours, but life gets in the way) sitting meditation and it was wonderful. I set it up to do twenty minutes of sitting meditation followed by ten minutes of reading Buddhist texts, stretching, or walking meditation, followed by twenty minutes of sitting meditation, and so on for three hours. At the end of it I was so happy, clear, and relaxed that I was practically floating. I walked over to a local Vietnamese restaurant and had a bowl of vermicelli noodles with egg rolls, vegetables, and lemon sauce for lunch. It was delicious!
The result of that morning filled with peace, relaxation, mindfulness, and good food was that I had a feeling of wellness and no anxiety all day. And I was even more confident that things are going to be fine with Jane. That, in fact, because I can get to a place where I'm not attached to the feelings or the relationship, that non-attachment will allow the relationship to blossom and grow and benefit both of us in exactly the way it is supposed to.
Saturday afternoon, I went to an anniversary party for some friends. There was very good food that they'd cooked from their own garden and what they had picked up at the Farmer's Market that morning. Many of the people there were musicians, and I'd brought my fiddle and ukulele along. So, it didn't take much prodding to get the bunch of us to sit down and play tunes. The crowd was about half old-time music folks and half Irish music folks, so there was a good variety in what got played over the next several hours.
Later that evening, I met Jane at our favorite pub for drinks after she got off work at The Royal Dumpe. Jane has been one of the serving wenches there for 16 years or so. It's hard work, but she enjoys it and the money is good. We were both tired after a long day, but in good spirits and had a good time. I always like to hear about nights at the Dumpe. The stories she tells about the clientelle and the other wenches and players are usually about as entertaining and sometomes surprising as can be. Sometimes the way that people act in public is astonishing.
Sunday was mostly uneventful. I spent the morning doing my usual Sunday activities; laundry, house cleaning, marketing, that sort of thing. I made a big pot of curried vegetables and brown rice that I'll be eating for lunch all week. Jane called to invite me to O'Connell's for lunch with her, her sister-in-law, Karen and Karen's boyfriend. That was nice. Karen and Jerry are fun to be around. After that, it was back home to loaf around and watch a movie - 13 Assassins, an excellent samurai movie that reminded me of Akira Kurosawa's films. This may have been a little more simplistic philosophically and more violent than Kurosawa's stuff, but it was enjoyable, all the same.
Then, just as I was about to go to bed, there's a knock at the door and who should be standing on my porch but Ian, Jane's roommate's ten-year-old. I could not imagine what he was doing there at that time of night and by himself, but I opened the door prepared for anything. Surprise! Jane was standing off to the side of the porch where I couldn't see her and jumped to startle me. They had been in the neighborhood on a pet sitting visit and decided to come by and see if I was still up. They stayed for about 45 minutes and we had a laugh watching a Batman cartoon on DVD.
Monday evening I taught my last dulcimer class of the session at The Folk School and stopped by my daughter's apartment to spend a couple of hours with her, her husband, and my granddaughter, Callie. Callie is just the cutest, smartest, most active little squirt. I am always recharged and joyous when I spend time with her. She's learning new things every day and delights in showing them off. She also has the best sense of humor and loves playing tricks on us. For now, snce she's not yet a year old, the tricks are pretty simple and easy to see through. I shudder to think what she'll get up to by the time she's nine or ten.
That's about it for this installment. It may be more than enough.
Friday, July 13, 2012
Day Thirty-Four
Drinking: Newcastle Brown Ale
Eating: Nothing right now. Maybe sushi later.
Reading: House of Holes by Nicholson Baker (and I'm REALLY liking it)
Jeeezus! What a crazy week at work. I've just been exhausted when I get home in the evening and haven't done much, including much writing. I still think I can finish off the play script I'm working on this weekend, but I'm not going to beat myself up if I don't get to it.
I did have one bright spot this week. I had folks over for a post-mortem meeting on West End Player's offering in the St. Louis Fringe Festival, and that was very good. Very positive. We did talk about improvements that we think can be made next year on both the festival's part and on ours. But there was nothing like complaining or bitching about things. It was all
"Well, this could have gone better."
"Okay, how do we make it better?"
So, that's a positive step.
I also got to hang out with my sweetie at O'Connell's a little bit, and that was good.
Now, I've got to figure out what to do tonight. There're so many options that it's a little paralyzing. St. Louis is such a busy city these days! I could call Jane up and we could go to the outdoor film series at the Art Museum where they're showing Alfred Hitchcock's The Birds. Or go to The Half-Way Haus to hear some friends of mine, The Sins of the Pioneers are playing. Or just go over to a great little restaurant and wine bar, Ernesto's, and enjoy a bottle of wine and the summer weather on their back patio.
Wish me luck in deciding.
Eating: Nothing right now. Maybe sushi later.
Reading: House of Holes by Nicholson Baker (and I'm REALLY liking it)
Jeeezus! What a crazy week at work. I've just been exhausted when I get home in the evening and haven't done much, including much writing. I still think I can finish off the play script I'm working on this weekend, but I'm not going to beat myself up if I don't get to it.
I did have one bright spot this week. I had folks over for a post-mortem meeting on West End Player's offering in the St. Louis Fringe Festival, and that was very good. Very positive. We did talk about improvements that we think can be made next year on both the festival's part and on ours. But there was nothing like complaining or bitching about things. It was all
"Well, this could have gone better."
"Okay, how do we make it better?"
So, that's a positive step.
I also got to hang out with my sweetie at O'Connell's a little bit, and that was good.
Now, I've got to figure out what to do tonight. There're so many options that it's a little paralyzing. St. Louis is such a busy city these days! I could call Jane up and we could go to the outdoor film series at the Art Museum where they're showing Alfred Hitchcock's The Birds. Or go to The Half-Way Haus to hear some friends of mine, The Sins of the Pioneers are playing. Or just go over to a great little restaurant and wine bar, Ernesto's, and enjoy a bottle of wine and the summer weather on their back patio.
Wish me luck in deciding.
Sunday, July 8, 2012
Day Twenty-Nine
Drinking: Newcastle Brown Ale
Eating: Tomato and avocado salad with basil & balsamic vinegar dressing
Rain! At last, it's pouring down rain. Thank goodness. We've been going through a real drought around here, along with the ridiculous heat. So, it's good to see the rain coming down, soaking the earth and cooling the air. Fantastic.
And it seems that along with the weather breaking, my bout with writer's block has broken. I've been working on a short play for the last year or so, collaborating with a good friend, one of my favorite people in the world. I think the work we're doing is good, considering it's our first try at this. But I've been blocked for the last three months and unable to do my part working on the script. I got back to it today in a very small way. Only a page or so, but I think it's good and I have ideas for the remainder of the scene. I'd have finished it this evening, but I got so tired. I hadn't written much, but just was unable to go further. Rather than push it, I stopped, put it away and made a promise to myself that I'll work on it again before bedtime on Tuesday.
Yesterday, I held auditions for This Wide Night, a play I'll be directing in the fall for West End Players Guild in the fall. The auditions were great. About twenty women showed up to read for the plays two roles and, almost without exception, they were good. I could have cast the show six times over from the women who showed up. I am now so psyched to get started with rehearsals and design meetings that I can hardly wait.
Eating: Tomato and avocado salad with basil & balsamic vinegar dressing
Rain! At last, it's pouring down rain. Thank goodness. We've been going through a real drought around here, along with the ridiculous heat. So, it's good to see the rain coming down, soaking the earth and cooling the air. Fantastic.
And it seems that along with the weather breaking, my bout with writer's block has broken. I've been working on a short play for the last year or so, collaborating with a good friend, one of my favorite people in the world. I think the work we're doing is good, considering it's our first try at this. But I've been blocked for the last three months and unable to do my part working on the script. I got back to it today in a very small way. Only a page or so, but I think it's good and I have ideas for the remainder of the scene. I'd have finished it this evening, but I got so tired. I hadn't written much, but just was unable to go further. Rather than push it, I stopped, put it away and made a promise to myself that I'll work on it again before bedtime on Tuesday.
Yesterday, I held auditions for This Wide Night, a play I'll be directing in the fall for West End Players Guild in the fall. The auditions were great. About twenty women showed up to read for the plays two roles and, almost without exception, they were good. I could have cast the show six times over from the women who showed up. I am now so psyched to get started with rehearsals and design meetings that I can hardly wait.
Wednesday, July 4, 2012
Day Twenty-Five
Drinking: iced coffee
Reading: Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus
So, it's the fourth of July. Our nation's Independence Day . Somehow, it feels a little hollow to me. It could be that it falls in the middle of the week, or it could be that I should have gotten out of town to make it feel more like a holiday and less like sitting around waiting for things to happen.
Our heatwave in St. Louis continues. Today's high temperature is supposed to be 105 degrees. With this in mind, I decided to get out of the house and get some exercise before the sun got too high in the sky.
I got up early, had some iced coffee and a couple of eggs and then headed over to the zoo about 8:00, hoping to get a look at the new sea lion pool and viewing area that opened this past weekend. The joke was on me! I got to the zoo about 8:30 and found it was already crowded with other folks who had the same idea as me. I also found out that the sea lions don't come out of their night time enclosure until around 9:15 to allow the keepers to clean up the outdoor enclosure and get ready for the day.
The new pool is pretty great. Much larger than the old one. And it has a tunnel that goes for about 30 feet under the pool where visitors can look up and see the animals swimming around overhead. I understand that the new digs are better for the sea lions as well, now having a cooling system that keeps the water at 65 degrees year round whereas the old pool was just a 10 - 12 foot deep pool with no facility for cooling the water. It must have been pretty miserable swimming around in that on days like today.
A couple of minor complaints: The rocks in and around the exhibit are man-made and look it. They're supposed to mimic the rocky shores along California's coast. But, while they are artfully done, they don't look natural. They look like some molded concrete/fiberglass compound and not like natural rock. It may be that after a while they'll "wear in" and look less manufactured. I hope so,anyway. The other downside is that there were so many people trying to get into the tunnel at 9:15 that it would have been another half hour or so before I could have gotten through the crush (not really a line and with a lot of rude, pushy, hot people to contend with). So, I decided not to try and to come back in a few weeks when the weather should be better and the crowd should be thinner.
While walking around the zoo, I stopped in at the bird house, mostly to kill time while waiting for the sea lions. The birds are beautiful, as is the architecture of the building. And it is cooler that outside today. While I was walking and looking at the birds and listening to their whistles, calls and cries, I noticed an older couple walking through the house. They appeared to be in their seventies and so happy to be in each other's company. They held hands while walking, laughed, read facts from the exhibit signs to each other and talked about what they were reading with great interest. The man was intent on making sure he found each bird in each cage, regardless of how well they blended with the foliage. And the woman was just as invested in him finding them and pointing them out to her. Their interaction was so joyful and respectful.
I so much want to be part of a couple like that when I'm their age. I want to be with someone who I love and who loves me in a gentle, kind, supportive way. I want to be with someone who is happy to be with me, but doesn't need to cling and doesn't want to be clung to. I think I have that kind of relationship now with Jane, but because of my own issues/baggage, I am not trusting it as completely as I should. It will take work on my part, but it is possible and I'll get there.
More later....
Reading: Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus
So, it's the fourth of July. Our nation's Independence Day . Somehow, it feels a little hollow to me. It could be that it falls in the middle of the week, or it could be that I should have gotten out of town to make it feel more like a holiday and less like sitting around waiting for things to happen.
Our heatwave in St. Louis continues. Today's high temperature is supposed to be 105 degrees. With this in mind, I decided to get out of the house and get some exercise before the sun got too high in the sky.
I got up early, had some iced coffee and a couple of eggs and then headed over to the zoo about 8:00, hoping to get a look at the new sea lion pool and viewing area that opened this past weekend. The joke was on me! I got to the zoo about 8:30 and found it was already crowded with other folks who had the same idea as me. I also found out that the sea lions don't come out of their night time enclosure until around 9:15 to allow the keepers to clean up the outdoor enclosure and get ready for the day.
The new pool is pretty great. Much larger than the old one. And it has a tunnel that goes for about 30 feet under the pool where visitors can look up and see the animals swimming around overhead. I understand that the new digs are better for the sea lions as well, now having a cooling system that keeps the water at 65 degrees year round whereas the old pool was just a 10 - 12 foot deep pool with no facility for cooling the water. It must have been pretty miserable swimming around in that on days like today.
A couple of minor complaints: The rocks in and around the exhibit are man-made and look it. They're supposed to mimic the rocky shores along California's coast. But, while they are artfully done, they don't look natural. They look like some molded concrete/fiberglass compound and not like natural rock. It may be that after a while they'll "wear in" and look less manufactured. I hope so,anyway. The other downside is that there were so many people trying to get into the tunnel at 9:15 that it would have been another half hour or so before I could have gotten through the crush (not really a line and with a lot of rude, pushy, hot people to contend with). So, I decided not to try and to come back in a few weeks when the weather should be better and the crowd should be thinner.
While walking around the zoo, I stopped in at the bird house, mostly to kill time while waiting for the sea lions. The birds are beautiful, as is the architecture of the building. And it is cooler that outside today. While I was walking and looking at the birds and listening to their whistles, calls and cries, I noticed an older couple walking through the house. They appeared to be in their seventies and so happy to be in each other's company. They held hands while walking, laughed, read facts from the exhibit signs to each other and talked about what they were reading with great interest. The man was intent on making sure he found each bird in each cage, regardless of how well they blended with the foliage. And the woman was just as invested in him finding them and pointing them out to her. Their interaction was so joyful and respectful.
I so much want to be part of a couple like that when I'm their age. I want to be with someone who I love and who loves me in a gentle, kind, supportive way. I want to be with someone who is happy to be with me, but doesn't need to cling and doesn't want to be clung to. I think I have that kind of relationship now with Jane, but because of my own issues/baggage, I am not trusting it as completely as I should. It will take work on my part, but it is possible and I'll get there.
More later....
Monday, July 2, 2012
Day Twenty-Three
I had tried to post last night, but for some reason, my computer decided to delete what I had written and it never made it to being published. By that time, it was late, I was tired, and it seemed like maybe the computer had made the better decision by sending my written thoughts into limbo. As a result, rather than try to recreate the whole thing, I opted for another glass of wine, listening to a little Bach and going to bed.
Now I'm back at it this afternoon and we'll see what happens.
It's been brutally hot here in St. Louis St. Louis with temperatures between 100 and 110 for a week. Fortunately, the humidity that we're usually cursed with has been low and, as a result, the heat has been reasonably bearable. But this has made me less willing than usual to get outside or to drive to friends' houses or meet them at restaurants and bars. I've been mostly holing up at home.
I did get out to visit my daughter and her husband and my granddaughter. The little squirt has just turned ten months old and if she isn't walking by the end of this week, I'll be very surprised. She's cute as a button, happy as can be, and smart! She's beginning to talk and has a vocabulary of about a dozen words. I got to spend a little over an hour with the bunch of them before they all had to run off to visit with another set of relatives. It's a day later and I still feel pretty happy and positive about the world. Maybe all we need to improve the world is to spend more time with happy babies.
Of course, if that's the correct prescription for a better, happier world, we'll also have to spend more of our time making sure that more babies are happy, healthy, and well cared for. Otherwise there won't be enough happy babies to go around. It seems like a worthwhile effort, though.
More later....
Now I'm back at it this afternoon and we'll see what happens.
It's been brutally hot here in St. Louis St. Louis with temperatures between 100 and 110 for a week. Fortunately, the humidity that we're usually cursed with has been low and, as a result, the heat has been reasonably bearable. But this has made me less willing than usual to get outside or to drive to friends' houses or meet them at restaurants and bars. I've been mostly holing up at home.
I did get out to visit my daughter and her husband and my granddaughter. The little squirt has just turned ten months old and if she isn't walking by the end of this week, I'll be very surprised. She's cute as a button, happy as can be, and smart! She's beginning to talk and has a vocabulary of about a dozen words. I got to spend a little over an hour with the bunch of them before they all had to run off to visit with another set of relatives. It's a day later and I still feel pretty happy and positive about the world. Maybe all we need to improve the world is to spend more time with happy babies.
Of course, if that's the correct prescription for a better, happier world, we'll also have to spend more of our time making sure that more babies are happy, healthy, and well cared for. Otherwise there won't be enough happy babies to go around. It seems like a worthwhile effort, though.
More later....
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